Chonicles of S.Ikari

Maybe i have made inroad to her heart

2004-09-14T13:08:00.000+08:00

We had a very long talk on Sunday. Most of it was about my trip to Ipoh and how she was doing. I went to see her on Friday but her boyfriend was there so I didn’t stayed long. My initial plans had to be post-phoned. I started to ask her about the promise that she had made with her boyfriend. I asked her that if her boyfriend breaks the promise would she leave him. She didn’t hesitate to say yes. She said she would definitely leave him for she has given him numerous chances. She said that she will need someone to support and protect her from her boyfriend if this happens. She made me promise her that I would do that. I said I could only do that if she keeps her promise to me of leaving her boyfriend. I pity for her because she is torn from within her mind says leave him yet her heart says stay with him. That Sunday conversation ended in a lot of speculations on both sides. I still haven’t tell her that I liked her and I would like to be someone special to her. I have to wait and see what happen while at the same time try to win her heart without her knowing it. I don’t want to force myself onto her for I’m afraid that she will think that I’m a desperate man for whom I’m not.
She showed a lot of sympathy for me when I said that erda’s birthday is just around the corner and I would be celebrating it alone. She said she would like to accompany me but I decline and said that this is a burden I have to carry myself.
I’m feeling a lot better now. My sleep pattern, my appetite, my health is returning to normal. I feel a lot more energy within me, I feel that I have been reborn. That is why I have set it in my mind that I will win her heart.

celebration of love and life 1

2004-09-03T10:52:00.000+08:00

To all of my friends who have been reading this blog and to those of my friends who have given me the strength to continue living till this very day. All of you have my highest respect and admiration.
This blog that I’m publishing today is special to me in a way for I am not going to complain or moan about the injustice of life. I’m going to write about the celebration of life and love.
For years I have lived as a bitter man who shies away from people for fearing that they will hurt me. You can call it as paranoid actions. The reason why I close myself to the outside world and prefer to be in the office for hours end is for I was betrayed by someone that I love with all my heart and soul. We were happy together until one day she left without a word nor reason. I’m not angry at her or anything only that the sadness of her going away just decayed the true person that I am into a living human form of angst, frustration and pain.
In order to keep my mind sane I have embarked on a quest. A quest to help those that needs my help. I will help anyone as long as I see fit it is in my jurisdiction and not against the law. After the years I have assisted numerous number of friends & strangers. I’m not bragging or anything but this is the path of life that I have chosen.
Until recently I realized that I’m already weak from the years of battling with the negative forces that have dwelled in my mind and heart. I was afraid that I will not be able to control the monster that is in me. It began around midnight 28/08/04. I didn’t know why I came there for I was tired from a whole day of work but I remembered that I have promised a friend that I would meet her for supper at her work place.
When I reach her place I saw she was with a bunch of people that I thought was her parents and I was right. So not wanting to interrupt her I tried to sneak pass by but I failed and she grab me for a family photo with me in it. After that I had supper with her and she told me why she have asked me to come to see her today. Apparently she was having a fight with her boyfriend & wanted my advice on how to deal with the matter. I asked her what happened and she told me that this recent fight was cause by her boyfriend failing to keep to his word. It was not the first time he did this and this upset her deeply. Her boyfriend was sitting a few tables across from my table and he look very-very upset for he didn’t knew who I was or what is my relation with his girlfriend.
What happen next was totally not what I expected. Her boyfriend lash out at her as if she was not anyone special to him. I was shocked to see something such as this. I just keep my distance for I was planning what to do next. As sudden it happened it was over. The boyfriend stormed out in a rage of fury and I saw my friend in such a state I was touch. There was a feeling that I have not taste for along time coming out from my heart. I couldn’t explained it but I felt as if I knew my friend fro a long time. I feel sorry for her but at the same time I was relived that she is free from her boyfriend for a girl like her deserve much-much more then what I have just witnessed.
One thing led to another and the very next morning I woke up with a warm fuzzy feeling dwelling in my heart. I could feel it fighting the flame of depression in me. I was confused at that time. All that I could think of is calling my friend to see how she was. I called here and everything was ok. I told her if I can come and see her before she leave to be with her family where I hope she will find foreclosure.
That afternoon I went to see her and there she was as beautiful as an angel. By now I know that something is already wrong with me for I could feel the monster in me getting weaker with every hour that past when I’m with her. Before I left she make me promise her that I will find her house and visit her if I had the time.
I visited her for the first time yesterday which is on the 01/09/04. Just like before I saw her as beautiful as ever even without her makeup and she just wore a t-shirt and jeans. We talked a lot yesterday and I said to her that I don’t think that my services are needed anymore and I will have to leave. What she said to me made me think deep. She said that both us are the same and different person and we should be together. Let time tell what will happen and be our witness.
I said to her that I felt comfortable when being around her and she said that she felt the same way. I didn’t want to jump to conclusions for I fear that I was the only feeling something special about the both of us.
That is the end of my meeting with her and it left a lot of loose ends that needs to be tied up. I got home with a million thoughts racing through my mind. One of them is “am I in love with her?”. “Does she have the feeling for me?” that is another question that is constantly flashing in my mind. Why these questions keep going on and off in my mind is because she said that she has given her boyfriend another chance. Her actions to me and her boyfriends is very confusing. My point of view on these matter is that she is unsure of her boyfriend and wants to know me better but she is shy. I will have to make the move to know the truth.
I’m really looking forward to meeting her this Sunday. I still haven’t decided either to meet her during the day or at night. due to work related matters. I think I’m going to take it slow with her. Just to get to know her better and try to make sense of her actions.
I would like to say thank you again to all of my friends again for helping get through a phase of my life that if without their help would lead to the demised of myself.
Just keep an eye on this blog to know what happen on Sunday.

Sorry for not posting

2004-08-21T17:53:00.000+08:00

Hello there. I’m sorry to those who have been following my blog for the delay in updating. I was a bit busy for a few days handling a few cases that was really tiring to settle. Now I have the time to continue this blog.
My friend has just return from his trip and he says that his hometown in Alor Setar , Kedah already have a broadband connection. He was dissatisfied with the broadband provider in our area for we only received negative statements from their customer relation department. I’m saying department because every time we asked someone at their dealership we were given the following answers:

1. We cannot confirm.
2. Where is that ?
3. I don’t know.
4. come back at a later hour.

When we call them up on their customer service line we also get the same answers. I do think they have rehearse it pretty well.

On to something on a lighter side. Yesterday I was on leave so I went for a little shopping trip with my brother. I’m thinking of buying a new pc coz my old one is already on the verge of giving up. The options that is there in the pc market today is remarkable unlike the time when I first bought my pc. I’m thinking of getting an AMD XP processor running at 3.2GHz with 512MB DDR RAM, ATi 9200 SE 256MB DDR graphic card, 160GB 7200 rpm hard disk (Samsung) ,combo drive and writer 21 inch monitor and all of that just to play Doom 3. J

Ok enough rambling for today tomorrow is a different story.
Until then happy day to you

A thousand Appologies

2004-08-16T18:25:00.003+08:00

Hello everyone. I would like to really apologize to those of you who were waiting for the update for my blog. I was caught up in a lot of work. Anyway this is the update that I did last night.
My bike is having trouble again. Not serious trouble only trouble that is originated from the history of the bike as a highway stormer. I recently did a rebuild to the engine and it is in good shape. Except that it has return to its normal self. Now I can’t even ride it slow into town because of the engine would die due to excess fuel being pump into the engine. There are ways to rectify the problem is by reducing the fuel flow but if that is down the engine will be running on lean and is more prone to breakdown due to the excessive heat generated. The other way is to remap the whole ignition timing and fuel/air ratio and that is going to cost a lot.. I could use the first option but it will leave me with a bike that only putters around at around 80km/h. for a bike with 60 bhp it is a disgrace. So now I’m riding my bike like I’m in a race. Revving the nuts of the engine hoping that the sparks plug would not fouled up and leaving me to wait for the engine to cool down and cleaning them again lust to get on with my journey.
Tomorrow I am not working, so I will be getting a new set of tyres for my bike. The old ones are already showing signs of wear and tear. I keep losing grip at the back in long fast flowing corners or the front would just slide during hairpins or tight corners. There goes the paycheck.:) The paint job that I’ve asked my friend to do is looking great. It will be done by Monday and on Tuesday I will be off to Ipoh.
Ipoh holds a lot of fond memories to me and not to mention sad memories.
maybe next time i will write what keeps me going back to ipoh.
Till then have a nice day..

to someone special in ipoh who knows me

2004-08-16T18:25:00.002+08:00

...you can't make someone love you, all you can do is to be someone who can be loved, the rest is up to the person to realize your worth...

An update of what i would probably be doing for this week

2004-08-16T18:25:00.001+08:00

Hello again.Yes it is me again.This time i'm going to just list out my schedule for the whole week.Coz i can't think of anything to write.just think of it as a poor iCal (apple fans will understand) :)

monday
9.00 am getting ready merchandise to be sent out
10.00 am call a client in new zealand to confirm order
12.00 pm lunch
1.00 pm updating blog
7.30 pm go home

tuesday
9.00 am checking credits on customers
12.00 pm lunch
2.00 pm continue credit checking
7.30 pm go home

wednesday
10.30 am rawang to collect check
2.00 pm lunch
4.00 pm updating blog
7.30 pm go home

thursday
like tuesday

friday
off day
nothing to do but stay home and watch DVDs

saturday
pretend to work but more on chatting and updating blog

sunday
5.00 pm off to pick up my motocycle sets for i'm going on a trip to ipoh for the holiday on tuesday 31/08/04 Malaysia's Independent day MERDEKA!!!!!

so those who are following my blog can know now when there is a new update.till then happy days and smile coz we'll never know if tomorrow ever comes

It's up and running

2004-08-16T18:25:00.000+08:00

By that i meant my pc.After a thorough reformatting and installation of Windows ME my pc is up and running.It's a bit slow , maybe because of the anti-virus, firewall,spy scanner and adware scanner that i have installed.I'm currently downloading the current windows update because my accounting program is still wonkey.i hope that the update will fix the problem.
The weather here is bad today it rained and i was caught in it while riding my bike. i'm typing this blog shivering for my job only ends in a few hours time.Life goes on i guest.
yesterday i did what i think the longest working hour that i have ever done in this field since i accepted to go into this occupation.I did a 12 1/2 hour work marathon and i'm really tired this morning when i woke up.On thursday that is on the 19th i will be going to Ipoh for i'm needed there to take care of a few things.

2004-08-14T17:42:00.000+08:00

I’m fighting a losing battle with the virus. All of the anti virus program that I have used were defeated in their quest of eradicating my pc from the virus which I now think is maybe a new variant of the avril-lavinge virus. I have dug up information on the original virus it has the same traits except that the one that infected my pc has additional execution code. I’ll be sending a sample file to Symentec for a review and hopefully a fix or update of virus definition for Norton anti virus. I’m thinking of reformatting my pc so that I could start a fresh. It has been a long day for me and I’m really tired by now. Tonight I will be resting and backing up my hard disk. I’m trying to find any files that were not damage by the onslaught of this virus. Thank you for reading. Have a pleasant day.

Made a Mistake.

2004-08-13T17:56:00.000+08:00

I'm a computer literate person but today i've think i've done the most stupidest thing that someone like me shouldn't do. I accidently let the avril lavinge virus into my pc. Without an anti-virus my pc is good as dead.Tomorrow i'll bring my emergency hard disk to work to repair the hard disk that was infected.Now i'm using another pc in my office to write down this blog.According to Trend Micro's homepage the avril lavonge virus is still a threat to a lot of pc.It disabled my anti virus program ,spyware scanner and pop up blocker by deleting the .exe files of the programs and disabling the regedit function of windows.I'm really angry at myself :(
it also block the accouting program i'm using by asking me to allow it to update my activeX files.I really hope Windows will come up with longhorn faster or they will lose a user for i'm alredy thinking of getting an apple pc either be it the imac range,ibook,powerbook or the power pc.i've tried using an apple pc before and i've been to a few conferences and i am impress by the attitude and working ethics of Apple Computer.They listen to their customers and incorperate the tools and updates that eases the customer to use their OS unlike Microsoft that forces user to use features that are (a)not user friendly (have ever tried to arrange your songs in Windows Media Player 9),(b)ugly(try to make a good presentation using Office Powerpoint) and last but not least nobody want to use (here an example,My Briefcase).
Compare to Mac OS X (it's pronounce Mac OS ten) Microsoft Windows do look dated and sad to say it, it's totally crap.
That isn't even geting close to the reason i'm so angry with windows.Why can a company that suppplies almost 90% of the world operating system to computer can't even update their operating system before a weakness in their system is being exploited by those who just love wreaking havoc on other windows users.It as if the staff at Microsoft only works when there is a weakness that is reported to them and if there isn't any then they just sit back and wait.
About longhorn the heralded replacement to the win9x family,it is expected to arrive in 2006-2007 and that is still 3 years to go.It is said that longhorn boost better security features,a much friendlier user interface,a more stable enviroment and blah,blah,blah like i haven't heard of it before everytime i upgrade mi windows or reinstalling it because it deleted it himem.sys file by itself. For the upgraded features you would have to own a 4GHZ pc.Yes i didn't type it wrong it needs a 4GHz pc with at least 512 MB of RAM.That means the rest ofus who couldn't afford a $GHz pc will not be able to enjoy the so called improvement of the new WIndows Operating system.What a cruel world.
I think i will be paying a visit to the Apple store near my workplace in a few days.
until then thank you for reading and take care till we blog again.

2004-08-13T11:16:00.000+08:00

Hello again. It has been a terrible morning for me for I’ve had another fight with mum. Sometime I feel like moving out of the house but there are things that wouldn’t let me to. I’m already 23 have a good job and she still treats me like a pre-school kid. On to more bad news. I’ve been diagnosed with manic depression. The doctors have prescribed me medication but they say medicine can only go so far and the real cure would be inside myself. If this condition keeps going on I think I may just end up in an asylum. If that happens I will be happy cause I know in there I will never be able to hurt anyone.
Last night dinner with my friends have confirm and came up to some palatable solutions to my problems. My problem is I’m really bad with approaching some one that I am fond of and telling her that I love here. I’m trying collect enough courage to ask her to come back to me. With the support of all of my friends I’m going to Terengganu and ask her to accept me back. Some of you may called it lame but I just can’t lose her for I fear the same thing will repeat again just like it did with Erda.
It’s really noisy in the office today because there are some construction work going on beside my cubicle. I’ve put my headphones and crank up the volume listening to Pachabel – Kanon in D dur. The song opens up in a very dark and sad kind of sound but it moves up to a more cheerful mid and ending.
I'm going for lunch now i hope anyone who reads this blog will give me a comment i really appreciated it.

Wet afternoon in pj

2004-08-12T18:02:00.000+08:00

My boss have left Malaysia on his way to China for a business deal. I’m in charge now and what a day it has been today. I had to settle a few unofficial duties this morning but nothing to difficult except that my boss gave me the wrong directions and I spent about 2 hours just to find the bank.
Yesterday evening my mother handed me a letter address to me that she received earlier today. It was about my study loan. Apparently it is time for me to pay up. I didn’t have a grudge about it only that I didn’t finish my studies before and I thought the loan had been canceled. Guess I thought wrong. So I went to the bank just to check up on the account and I found out that the balance of the loan was there sitting in the account gathering interest for all these years. The amount was ok I guess.
It has been raining for the past hour now. Not a downpour only drizzling the type of rain that I hate because it causes the road to be very slippery. I’m having dinner with a few of my friends. We have some matters that need immediate attention to be discuss. I’m getting tired. Today was a hectic day and tonight will be along one.
I hope that I can be financially independent one day so that I don’t have to worry where to find money and just worry where to spend it. J

Hello Again

2004-08-11T12:57:00.000+08:00

I'm a little ok then yesterday so i'm going to write something that is a bit more lighter on the mind.I'm going to tell about my job.
i have just been tranfered from my old ofice in a town called sri damansara to the place i'm now that is petaling jaya.Got promoted after 3 years of back breaking and ego bruising.Not to mentioned numerous breakdown that i had with my bike because of the miles that i have travelled.Come to think of it ithink i have ridden my bike more than 400 miles for the last 3 years.no wonder it's knackered.i love my bike eventhough it is the same age of my youngest brother;13 years.back to my job.i have been promoted to office manager and that signals that i don't have to travel very much now but it also a signal for me to get a car.
i'm thinking of an old volvo 240SE but my friends think it is a little to old fashion.The car is built like a tank.It guzzle fuels like it's free but it's very comfortable to drive.so anybody have any comments on the car that i'm buying.i'm open to oppinions.adios till the next time we meet.

This is my first step to blogging

2004-08-11T03:27:00.000+08:00

Let me give a little intoduction of myself.My name is Ikari.I'm living in Kuala Lumpur,Malaysia.For those of you who doesn't know where malaysia is it is between thailand and singapore.Kuala lumpur is the capital.
It has been three days now since we broke up and that incident has motivated me to post this blog.that it's for now.ithink i will be updating in a few hours .